


Rodney and the Whale

by fabrega



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-17
Updated: 2012-02-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:39:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabrega/pseuds/fabrega
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney has nightmares, and Ronon wants to change that. (A cracktastic tag to 4x04.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rodney and the Whale

"What the--?!" That's as much as Rodney McKay manages to get out before the tranquilizers kick in and he slumps over on the table, his nose in his upturned Jello container.  


*

  


"That is a _terrible_ idea," John had said.

Ronon had shrugged. "Why? You said he was terrified."

"Yeah, because I thought you'd think it was hilarious, not because I wanted you to solve Rodney's problems. Besides, he'll never agree to it. He knows how screwed up he is." John's gaze darted sideways; Ronon noticed but said nothing.

"I don't have to tell him," Ronon mused. "If Doc Keller will just knock him out--"

John just stared. "You...you're serious about this, aren't you."

Ronon, who didn't really have the vocabulary necessary to explain to John about the nightmares he'd had when he was little and about the kind of terror he knew, just nodded.  


*

  


"--hell?" Rodney finishes as he opens his eyes. He is looking at the ocean. He is wearing what appear to be pantaloons, a frilly shirt, and a three-cornered hat. He is not amused, not in the slightest.

He hears a chuckle behind him and turns to see Ronon. They are on a ship and Ronon is grinning and holding a harpoon. Rodney's stomach sinks as his bile rises. He's getting the same uncanny feeling he did when his dreams were hooked up to John's brain through that machine, and he's pretty sure he knows what that means.

"So where's this whale?" Ronon says, hefting the harpoon from hand to hand, feeling its weight.

"Oh no you don't. This is _my_ dream! You stay out of it!"

"Sheppard says the whale ate you both," Ronon responds.

In the distance, a jet of water spouts from the ocean's surface. Rodney looks around, panicked, for any sign of land. Ronon, in his ridiculous pantaloons as well, is practically beaming. The ship turns on its own and heads towards the whale, much faster than a ship with no motor ought to on a sea with no wind to speak of.

"What are you doing?!" Rodney shrieks.

"Don't look at me." Ronon shrugs and picks up another harpoon off the deck near his feet, handing it to Rodney. "You're gonna need this."  


*

  


John steals a glance at Dr. Keller, who is staring intently at Rodney's and Ronon's still bodies on the tables in front of them. A trace of a smile plays across Ronon's face, and Rodney's heart rate doubles. That can't be a good sign.

"He can't die in there, can he?" John asks as Dr. Keller moves to check Rodney's other stats on the monitor.

"Not unless his heart gives out," Keller replies, still looking concernedly at the monitor. That sounds like the kind of thing people say when they're kidding around; Keller makes it sound like that is a serious possibility.

"Is there some way you could hook me up to the machine too?" John asks, grasping at straws.

"Dr. Zelenka put in the equipment last week, so hypothetically yes, but it hasn't been tested yet..."

John hops up on a third table. "You'd better put me in."  


*

  


Rodney frantically pulls on the ship's wheel, which doesn't move--it appears that the wheel itself and the post it is attached to have been fashioned from the same piece of wood and that the wheel was never meant to turn.

It begins to pour. "Great!" Rodney mutters. "Just great."

"What are you afraid of, McKay?" Ronon brushes the rain out of his eyes, still grinning.

"Being eaten by a whale!" Rodney screams back. "I'd have thought that was pretty obvious!" The rain streams off his three-corner hat as he leans hard into the steering wheel again. It breaks off under the strain, sending him careening into the ship's railing and nearly over the side. He throws the useless wheel into the ocean with disgust, and notices a flash of green in the murky water. "There's something down there!" he yells to Ronon, who comes over to look--so both of them are there to witness what happens next.

John's head peeks out of the water, followed by a strangely-unclad torso that ends in what appears to be a mermaid's tail.

Rodney swears. The wind and the rain make hearing John more difficult; he can't hear the profanity he knows John's using too.

"Rodney, when we get out of here I am going to _kill_ you!" John yells. He is swimming frantically alongside the ship.

"What are you doing here?" Rodney shouts to him.

"Trying to keep you from killing yourself!" John shouts back. Rodney snorts.

The ship draws closer to what Rodney knows is a very large and very hungry whale.

"Ronon has a harpoon," Rodney yells down to John.

"And that doesn't make you feel safer?"

John has a point. They've seen that playful killing glint in Ronon's eyes before, and really, Rodney's pretty sure Ronon can at least give the whale a run for its money before they're both swallowed whole and John is left to sing a horrible siren song of mourning for them. He wonders vaguely if mermaids are allowed to be as tone-deaf as he knows John is.

"Keller says you shouldn't die unless your heart gives out," John continues, " So stop panicking!"

"Easy for you to say! You're not going to get eaten by a whale!"

Ronon claps a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "You're not going to either. Not today."

And this ought to throw Rodney into another panic attack, send him skidding in his stupid slippery buckle shoes across the ship's deck, almost certainly into the whale's waiting mouth. But something in the way Ronon says it gives him pause. He flashes back, inexplicably, to his last visit to Jeannie and her family.

"She thinks there are monsters under the bed," Jeannie had explained apologetically when Madison had loudly and vehemently refused to go to bed.

"Isn't she a little old for that?" Rodney had wanted to ask, unaware of what kind of maturity being five years old entailed. Instead, he found himself peering under Madison's bed, wearing some kind of tinfoil crown and wielding a flimsy plastic sword. It wasn't until Brave Uncle Meredith had told her (somewhat unconvincingly, in Uncle Meredith's opinion) that there were no monsters under the bed that Madison could sleep. She'd be afraid again the next night, but for that night, Madison slept unafraid--and Rodney had as well.

He stares at Ronon, who gives his shoulder a very manly squeeze. The rain stops.

  


*

  


Dr. Keller lets out a sigh of relief as Rodney's heartbeat slows to a more normal level.

  


*

  


Ronon grins. "So let's get this giant fish!" He hands Rodney the second harpoon, which Rodney takes after deciding it is unwise to argue the finer points of what is or isn't a mammal right now.

John gives him a thumbs-up before disappearing back underwater. His green tail flicks the surface as he dives, and Rodney suddenly feels almost good about this whole ordeal.

  


*

  


"You shoulda seen it," Ronon tells the rest of the team afterwards. "McKay's harpoon is sticking out of the side of this giant whale, and neither one of them is letting go."

John notices that Rodney is smiling--and _keeps_ smiling, even when Ronon continues the story, telling about how the whale had tried to swim away and Rodney had been dragged behind it on the harpoon line until he had the good sense to let go. He doesn't even stop smiling when Teyla and Sam and Dr. Keller laugh at the mental image of Rodney being rescued by a pair of friendly talking dolphins.

"You really knew what you were doing, didn't you," John says to Ronon afterwards, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Not a clue," Ronon admits. "I was making it up as I went. Hey, what was up with you being half a fish?"

John makes an uncomfortable face, trying to ignore Ronon's laughter. "Let's not ever mention that again."


End file.
